Ghosting

Ghosting is so painful. It feels annihilative to our very sense of existence and worth. 

For those of you who have had to endure the pulling away, the silencing, the sudden absence, and neglect—I'm sending the biggest hug that says I see you and acknowledge you exist in all of your humanness.

And honor that ghosting is even more painful when there has been a history of abandonment and neglect.

Whether it's an immediate ghosting- where the silence is piercing and stunning; or a slow ghost where you watch them incrementally withdraw- slipping away from connection- it aches.  

Ghosting can make us feel invisible and powerless- string a deep freeze in our nervous system that resembles the effect of shame.  

Without their presence and communication, we often fill in the gap with personalized, harsh, and confusing stories. We might ask if we were too much or not enough- with no one on the other end to respond- and so we fill in answers to those questions with projections from our past. Ghosting goes against our human nature by denying us closure and resolution, and we stay in the limbo of unanswered pain. 

Ghosting can leave us grasping for clarity and chasing the "why?" and "how could they?"! Our attention becomes scattered, we dissociate from the pain, and we begin to neglect ourselves, mirroring the ghosting others have acted out on us.   

Truths about ghosting:

1. If they are ghosting, it's because they don't have the capacity, skills, or resources to share and express whatever is happening for them.

2. It may not have been safe for them growing up to share their experiences, so they learned silence as a form of communication.

3. They don't have the capacity, skills, or resources to be with you or be with what's present for you- and it's not a reflection of your value.

4. Communication takes vulnerability - and that's not something they have access to at this time.

5. They may never know or acknowledge your pain of being ghosted, and that doesn't invalidate the truth of your pain.

6. It will only prolong the pain to fixate on the breadcrumbs of clues as to why they ghosted or if they care or if you mattered.

7. You may never get to complete this communication gap and get closure. It may remain as unfinished business, which can be excruciating for some time, like a perpetual heartbreak. It will take the time it takes as you give attention and healing to this rupture.

8. You deserve better.

Here are some tools of support:

1. Find the places of freeze in your body and offer gentle movement or shaking.

2. Remind yourself, "this is a reflection of their patterns and capacity, not a reflection of you."

3. Let yourself imagine or visualize what closure would look like; let your body absorb the sensation of closure. 

4. Perhaps soothe yourself through some affirmation of acceptance: 

"Perhaps someday I'll know more, but not now and not anytime soon."

"This really hurts; I wish it were different…and I will attend to myself in the way I truly deserve." 

5. Focus your attention on the people who can be with your truth, their truth, and the vulnerable intimacy of communicating.